My Bella
by egweneblack
Summary: Jacob Black thinks back..


Disclaimer: I don't own Jacob, or any other twilight character. I have no illusions of being Stephenie Meyer. I just like to write, and Jake's character is something special, to me anyway. Yes this fic is about Jake. DO NOT HIT ME WITH ANY I HATE JACOB BLACK SPEECHES. I love all other critiques, as long as they make sense, but really, please be adults about it. Nothing like Jacob sux or anything like that. I did give fair warning. Thanks! EGWENEBLACK

_**My Bella**_

I can't stand it. I miss _my_ Bella. That's what I started calling her, back when she first opened up to me. Before the bloodsucker came back. Back when she was so close to being mine. (And please, ladies, don't start in on that 'She's not a piece of furniture, you can't _own_ her,' crap. That isn't what I mean. Give me a break already.)

I hate him. I know what you are thinking, 'Of course you hate Edward. He stole the love of your life.' But you're wrong. That isn't the main reason I hate him. You couldn't understand. That is because you didn't see Bella when he left her. That is the main reason I hate him.

Of course I _am_ jealous that he got her in the end. It kills me inside to know that every day she gets closer to becoming like _Edward._ Bella wasn't made to be cold, hard, and dead. How could she ever be a bloodsucker when she faints at the merest whiff of blood? But that isn't what I want to talk about right now. I keep getting off topic. Damn it.

When he left her, I knew she was hurting. Charlie stayed on the phone constantly with Billy for months, trying to find out what to do. She was like some kind of zombie or something. She walked, talked, ate, did her homework. Wait, not zombies. It was more like an invasion of those aliens in the movies that take over your brain, making you do all the things you normally do, but you aren't _you_ anymore. Does that make sense?

And then she showed up on my doorstep. She looked terrible. Bella had huge circles under her eyes, and when she tried to smile at me it looked like it hurt. I tried to act like I didn't notice. When we went into the garage, she seemed to lower her guard a bit. It killed me to see her this way, so _empty._

It took time, but Bella finally opened up to me. She started conversations, instead of just answering when I asked her something. I knew that I could help her. It made me feel good being able to help someone like that.

Hanging out with Bella was way more awesome than hanging out with other girls. Most of the time that is a little bit of fun, but a lot of awkward silences. It wasn't like that when I was with Bella. Not only could we talk and have fun; but we could also have fun in silence. It didn't take long for me to fall for her. I knew she wasn't ready, but I was willing to wait. No problem. Anything for Bells.

It took awhile for me to realize it, but finally I figured out that Bella was falling for me too. I can tell you exactly when I knew. It was that night we went to watch that stupid movie with the Newton kid. I knew she loved me then. She was just having problems admitting it. I knew it was because she was still hurting. I could tell that she still loved Edward too. I didn't care though. He wasn't coming back. I had all the time I needed.

And then I changed. It was that night after the movie, and I came home and when I got mad, I almost ripped Billy's throat out. My own father. When the others explained to me what was going on, what we were, I was furious. That stupid _fucking bloodsucker_ did this to me. It wasn't enough that he had the biggest part of Bella's heart, but he also had to go causing me to turn into a monster.

I almost didn't believe that Bella knew all about it. When Sam finally convinced me, it gave me a little hope. If she could love a bloodsucker, then why couldn't she love a werewolf? Sam pounced on that hope at light speed though. He showed me what happened with Emily and I knew he was right. We were too dangerous. _I _was too dangerous_. _I had to stay away from Bella.

Of course, I only held out for a few weeks in the end. If I hadn't been convinced that Bella loved me before I changed, her constant calling and finally showing up at La Push convinced me. That and the way she acted. Of course she didn't know that I had been watching her. Of course, I was only watching her to protect her. When I saw her the day she found the meadow, it nearly ripped my heart in two. I hate that stupid bloodsucker for breaking her heart, and I had gone and broken it again.

Bella had looked so lost and angry. I could see the zombie/alien coming back into her eyes. And for that, I hated myself. That is why I tried so hard to tell her, even though Sam had ordered me not to. I couldn't just let her die inside again.

So I figured it out. Bella already _knew_ the legends. She just needed to be reminded that they aren't legends anymore. So I climbed up to her window that night. I almost didn't think she'd let me in. She looked so tired. And it wasn't just that either; she had been crying.

It took forever for her to get it. When she finally did, I was surprised at her reaction. At first I thought she was a hypocrite, and I nearly lost my cool. Sam would have killed me if I had. I would have killed me for that matter. But then I realized it. She thought the pack was killing those hikers. Ha. Like we'd want to eat people. I mean, we could, technically, but really? Why eat people when you can eat your own body weight in waffles?

I finally thought things would cool down then. And they did. I could see that Bella and I were getting closer to making things work. She was considering it. She had almost realized how she felt for me. And then she had to jump off that fucking cliff without waiting on me.

I've gone over it a million times in my head: how different things could have been. How things could have turned out differently if that tiny bloodsucker hadn't come rushing back, or seen a vision or whatever. We were almost there. Bella would have given in. She would have realized that she did love me. And I would have helped her forget about Edward fucking Cullen.

The next few months are a blur to me. They are a haze of anger and depression. I don't know how I made it through those months of seeing Bella with Cullen. But I couldn't give up, not on my Bells. I finally made her realize that she loved me too. Only to find out that it wasn't nearly enough. when he changes.

I know that she checks up on me. I think the words she uses with Seth are something like 'worried sick'. I can't take it anymore. I have to see her one more time, once more before she turns cold and sickly sweet. I want to see my Bella one more time, before the end.

So now I sit here, trying to forget my pain. Bells gets married in three damn days, and I'm sitting in Canada, doing nothing to stop her. I'm fighting against every fiber in my being, to keep myself from making her miserable. I know she cried over me. Seth heard her, and of course couldn't help that I overhear everything in his head


End file.
